PACON13 – The papal has landed

Day Two – Ra-Ra-Ratzinger, Vatican’s greatest re-sign-er, has been replaced as world champion. In an extraordinarily quick tournament, PACON13 is now over.  And what a wonderful tournament it has been. Some are calling this the best papal conclave since 1958. Certainly the best in the open era, since Catholicism went professional in 1965.  Let's take a look at what happened today in the Sistine Chapel, Vatican City.  A venue as famous worldwide as the home of papal conclaves as the Crucible Theatre, Sheffield is to the home of the World Snooker Championship.

The BBC’s smoke watch brought us live coverage of events in Vatican.  Here are a few of the highlights (Italian time rather than proper time):  

11:25 – Chimney.

11:42 – Look no BBC caption!  And smoke!  Is that black or is it grey?  Oh, it’s black.  As you were.

11:48 – Uh, the smoke’s stopped.  The cardinals are off for a spot of lunch, it seems.  A bit early for lunch, if you ask me. The commentary team advise the competitors don’t return to the chapel until around 4pm.  Even your laziest work colleagues wouldn’t dare have a lunch of that length.

14:36 – Dennis Rodman has jetted in from his North Korean tour.  Apparently he’s arrived to show support for the Ghanaian competitor, Peter ‘not a Turk’ Turkson.  This would appear to be a foolish move as: (a) all of the cardinals are locked away from their fans – even VIP fans; and (b) Cardinal Turkson’s hoop abilities will not be tested at PACON13 as the basketball round was dropped in 1978.  But on the other hand, that’s a pretty flamboyant jacket.  If he can somehow get that jacket through security to Cardinal Turkson there’s definitely some style points to be had from the fashion conscious sections of the conclave.

16:35 – Chimney and some roof.  Is that...?  Yes, there’s a bird on the chimney!  But within six minutes it had gone.

17:25 – Chimney.

18:10 - Chimney plus seagull.  The seagull sat on the chimney for approximately 45 minutes.  It then left for around 10 minutes and came back again.  What could it mean?  It may have been a different seagull.

To be honest, I was starting to worry about TV ratings if it carried on like this over the next few days.  It’s probably a bit like how critics view international test cricket – sporadic bursts of not much activity spread over days, with the occasional crowd reaction shot.  I can now see how cricket haters may have a point. And then...

19:06 – Habemus papam - We have a pope!  It’s over.  Off camera the referee lifts the arm of the new champion - a TKO in the fifth round of competition.  The bells ring out the melody of We Are the Champions, but the TV audience still do not know who the mystery man (or woman, subject to post competition testing) is.  We have to wait for the traditional lap of honour from the new pope and the announcement of his stage name.  As we await this, the crowds are going wild at a (presumed) magnificent display of palpability. 

20:12 - MC Cardinal Jean-Louis Pierre Tauran is on the microphone.  Who is it going to be?  He seems to have mislaid the golden envelope, but he's ploughing on like the professional he is.  It's... Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio!  The first Argentinian winner.  But what's his stage name going to be?  He is reputedly a big Frank Sinatra fan.

20:22 – There he is, the second Argentinian hand of God: it's Pope Francis I. 

And as Pope Francis starts his public speaking - which is often where it starts to go wrong for popes - we'll leave it there for this year.  Thank you for joining me for PACON13.  The next PACON has yet to be scheduled, but they'll be one   And I'll be here reporting on it, as is my duty, writing history for our children of the future.