Saturday, 3 March 2012

Tories to cull first born northerners

After the recent announcements that the government intends to make the NHS useless for sick people and that the Conservatives plan to privatise the police force because they’ve seen that sort of thing in some movies about dystopian futures and it looks cool, another Tory proposal has today emerged. 

Government planned split of Britain
 (click to enlarge)
Leaked government documents indicate that the Tories are intending to implement a further cost saving initiative by completing a cull of all first born northerners.  This new plan has the potential to annoy northern families, particularly as many are in traditional Labour voting heartlands and also care for their children. 

The government recognises this as a complex issue.  For decades sociologists have wrestled with what makes people northern and who northerners actually are.  But the new government report boasts that officials have spent 20 minutes classifying northerners for the purpose of the culling.  In the document it is suggested that the new initiative will “maximise resource potential for those still living” and puts “streamlined communities at the very core of our cold metal hearts.”

When asked for a comment on what was suggested to him as something that may be seen as a controversial plan to many in the north, David Cameron said that he “couldn’t be bothered.”