Monday, 1 December 2014
My dear, I miss you so much. The glancing brush of your flipper on my cheek is but a beautiful memory to me now. Since that day you swam off, I can't sleep, eat or tweet. Please come back to me, my love. If I can't feel the caress of your whiskers against me once more, I don't know if I can summon the will to go on.
Sunday, 2 November 2014
Good day to you. I am here today to talk about October. Who does October think it is? Octagon, octogenarian, octopuss, Doctor Octopuss, James Bond's Octopussy. This comprehensive list has one thing in common: the number eight. Yet arrogant October thinks it can hang around being the tenth month of the year.
Wednesday, 1 October 2014
Is it really twelve months since last October? Well, yes it is. That’s one of the few constants we can cling on to since the earth was created 5,000 years ago by cats. Cats? That’s right, cats. As previously hinted on these pages, cats control the world. Up until last week that was a huge secret, but now that cat is literally out of the metaphorical bag. Last week brought the news from Prime Minister David Cameron that Queen Elizabeth was purring with delight at the news that Scotland would not be departing the UK, as the Right Honourable Dish Face MP unnecessarily bragged to a wealthy American businessman. Or more accurately, a wealthy businesscat.
Monday, 1 September 2014
Friday, 1 August 2014
Thursday, 10 July 2014
Die Mannschaft. That’s the nickname of the German national football team. That’s Die Mannschaft. Such a beautiful language. A language where they can describe an event or place using just a single world. Surely Tuesday’s demolition, nay spanking, of the hosts will shortly receive similar treatment. It was after all, the most incredible football semi-final seen since someone first thought of hacking off a prisoner’s head and booting it around with their mates, before kicking it into the river and poisoning the town’s water supply, leading to the death of half the population from cholera.
Monday, 7 July 2014
Did you see the size of that grasshopper? If it was down to me, this competition would immediately be abandoned after James Rodriguez scored that goal and that interloper joined the celebrations. All remaining teams would have been placed in a secure insect free zone, before games of scissor-paper-stone settled the tournament winners and everyone left for the safety of their own homes. This is the world’s premier sporting event, not Jurassic Park.