Joy of the Rovers No. 27 – Directive C14 Deathmatch avoided

We already knew the champions, we already knew who was being relegated. But what we didn’t know was who was going to finish third, fourth and fifth: a Champions League place, the faff of a Champions League play-off place, and the embarrassment and faff of having to spend half a season progressing in the Europa League only to be beaten by a better team parachuted in from the Champions League.  Wisely Sky Sports didn’t package Super Sunday as this.

Joy of the Rovers No. 26 – Delight, despair, déjà vu

JotR predicted last week that the retirement of Sir Alex would overshadow every other football thing for the remainder of the season.  Wrong!  The early announcement of Fergie’s son, David Moyes, taking control over United left us able to think about the other football things that were happening.  Whether the relationship of Ferguson moving “upstairs” - a term football writers are legally obliged to use - will result in a repeat of that period where Dmitry Medvedev was the Russian president but we all new in reality that it was big Vlad Putin calling the shots when not wrestling bears or relaxing with some shirts off fishing.  That speculation can wait until next season as it turns out there’s still some football going on.  And what a lot of football things there have been over the last five days.  Wigan win, Wigan lose, Mancini dismissed for not being “holistic” enough (a new word to add to the Football Bullshit Bingo card), Rooney either staying or going, Scholes retirement part II, Beckham retirement part I, Watford’s last minute winner, Crystal Palace’s not quite last minute winner, and the race for third place in the league!  Amazing.

Delayed Movie Club: Prometheus

One of the good things about Delayed Movie Club is that by watching a film around 10 months after it was originally released, any hype that comes with its arrival can be dismissed, as everybody had their say on it ages ago.  This pretty much guarantees that DMS is the most accurate review of a film that can be found on the internet.  Prometheus arrived with such anticipation that it was inevitable that there would be people decrying it over something or other.  It turned out that according to the internet nobody was really satisfied with what they saw.  But the basis of the internet is built on a solid foundation of moronity, so let’s see if we can add to it here.  I bet we can.  Does anyone know the way? There’s got to be a way, to Chestbuster!

Joy of the Rovers No. 25 – Wem-ber-lee, Wem-ber- what, Fergie’s retiring?

Wem-ber-lee, Wem-ber-lee.  We’re the famous [insert team name] and we’re off to Wem-ber-lee!  These days the final of the FA Cup – or the FA Cup with Budweiser as it must be called - is scheduled for a Saturday evening just before Britain’s Got Talent.  Many football fans are disappointed with this scheduling, but let’s face it, now that Sir Alex Ferguson has announced his retirement they may as well schedule it to take place on the moon on a Thursday afternoon or just call the whole thing off.

IJS Radio: Top 10 April 2013

Regular readers of the IJS Radio chart run down will know that to fill up space on each page, IJS educates you on something that you will almost certainly not be aware of.  Not because you’re stupid.  I can’t see why you would be here if you were stupid.  Mentally ill, maybe, but that’s the internet for you.  Anyway, like a great many of the inventions and innovations we take for granted, you won’t be surprised to find out that the month of May has yet another link to the band Queen.  Cloud headed Queen guitarist Brian May invented May.  Makes sense, doesn’t it?  Don't think why or how, it just is.

Joy of the Rovers No. 24 – Hoops, they did it again

Sports science is now a legitimate part of professional sport.  The subject can even be studied at university and people now sit watching games with laptops and talk into microphones like they're calling in a SWAT team or something.  Yet people in sport still talk about giving 110%, which as all true scientists will know is physically impossible.  Mix football with anything, and if you’ve learnt anything from reading JotR, you will know that whenever logical real world aspects are associated with this game they becomes warped to buggery.  JotR suspects that most sports science courses dedicated to football involves a lot of talking, which quickly turns to shouting once no one will admit to stealing the crayons that had been left out for the afternoon colouring in session.  And it will be called "banter" up until the point when the Uruguayan chokes on one of the crayons, at which point we'll all shake our heads in disappointment once again.

Joy of the Rovers No. 23 – Kick idiocy out of football

After JotR’s shocking faux pas last week – which probably can be put down to xenophobic fear –  involving prematurely crowning Cardiff City winners of the Championship, it was imperative that this week JotR was on the ball when reporting Manchester United’s Premier League triumph.  So on Monday evening, 21:50hr, the Red Devils made this so after tonking Aston Villa 3-0.  Unfortunately for United, at the same time much of the country was tuned into ITV to view the revealing of different villains in what had developed over the last couple of months as The Killing in the West Country.  It was SPOILER*, as if we hadn’t already picked them out, what done it in Broadchurch.  Or Forbryoohaahsen, to give it its full west country title.

Delayed Movie Club: The Amazing Spider-Man

I think you’ll find that Delayed Movie Club will decide what it is amazing or not.  If a film is released in the era of DMS, then that sort of arrogance will be examined thoroughly by the Number-one-internet-review-resource-of-movies-that-were-released-ten-months-previously™.  DMS is the final arbiter of such things and does not take kindly to outbursts of arrogance.  For arrogance is anathema to DMS as it towers over all other internet movie review sites in what history will decide is the definitive opinion on movies. Let’s take a look at this Spider-Man punk, then.