Thursday, 10 July 2014
Die Mannschaft. That’s the nickname of the German national football team. That’s Die Mannschaft. Such a beautiful language. A language where they can describe an event or place using just a single world. Surely Tuesday’s demolition, nay spanking, of the hosts will shortly receive similar treatment. It was after all, the most incredible football semi-final seen since someone first thought of hacking off a prisoner’s head and booting it around with their mates, before kicking it into the river and poisoning the town’s water supply, leading to the death of half the population from cholera.
Monday, 7 July 2014
Did you see the size of that grasshopper? If it was down to me, this competition would immediately be abandoned after James Rodriguez scored that goal and that interloper joined the celebrations. All remaining teams would have been placed in a secure insect free zone, before games of scissor-paper-stone settled the tournament winners and everyone left for the safety of their own homes. This is the world’s premier sporting event, not Jurassic Park.
Thursday, 3 July 2014
What a demonstration of the staying power of the Belgian waffle versus the energy giving properties of the American quarter pounder. And what a shame for JotR naming conventions that it was not a USA win and that imaginary victory didn't take place in the quarter-finals. Luckily, I don’t give a stuff about facts and linear timelines, so this edition of the World Cupcake calorific guide to the tournament is discussing the quarter pounders.
Mmm, quarter pounders. This feast should help us forget the horrors of the last football-free 48 hours. Fifa could have at least arranged something for us to watch in that gap. A novelty version of football perhaps, featuring dogs or the Scottish or something. Anyway, the eight competitors are assembling around the tables. Will any be tactically naïve and fill up on bread? Or do we now have the cream of international football – cream which we will also pour liberally over those tasty quarter pounders? Who can say? These questions are entirely rhetorical. Let’s stuff our faces…
Tuesday, 1 July 2014
It's July, but what does July actually mean and where does it come from? Here's a brief history to impress your friends with. If you had any.
July first came to prominence in July 1978. Up to that point, some people did wonder what the big gap between June and August was, but most didn't give it a second thought and spent their days in discotheques or participating in casual racism. It was a different time. A time of flares and dull orangey-brown wallpaper.
Friday, 27 June 2014
It’s the SECOND ROUND. I am not referring to the Second Round as the Round of 16, which has now become de rigueur these days. It’s a description as unnecessary as me using the term de rigueur. There are bigger issues to get our teeth into, so I’m not suggesting England, like with the first three tournaments, boycotts the World Cup because of this. Of course, potentially no one would notice. Anyway, in World Cupcake terms we’re talking about the Second Course. And that’s official. After a First Course of World Cupcakes, the Second Course will consist of World Cupcakes.
Wednesday, 11 June 2014
You've got to hold and give
But do it at the right time
You can be slow or fast
But you must get to the line
They'll always hit you and hurt you
Defend and attack
There's only one way to beat them
Get round the back
Not my words, but the words of John Barnes from the World Cup hymn World in Motion. For it is the night before World Cup, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. The wall charts were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that Wayne Rooney soon would be there.
After this final Group H preview, no more talk, just action. And probably a little more talk over the next month.
Tuesday, 10 June 2014
Let’s face it, it may be another Group of Death, but we know the one team that will be exiting Group G via the front door. Germany has been in all but two World Cup finals tournaments. They missed the first one, where most European teams couldn’t be bothered with the boat trip to Uruguay. Then they missed a second in 1950, when Fifa put them on the naughty step for some reason. Regardless of the perceived quality of their squad in each tournament, the Germans may as well attach a prefix of ‘Never discount’ in front of their name. Detailed below is my considered opinion on their success, and a list of the other countries making up Group Germany.